
Are you at odds with yourself these days?
I was inspired by an oracle card that the image of a lion wearing sheep skin amongst a flock of sheep. Whether this is just a lion trying to fit in or a predator trying to sabotage from the inside out, both apply here. So many of us are at odds with ourselves because our conditioned selves and our awakened selves are at odds. Who we were taught to be and who we know ourselves to be are at odds. And, as uncomfortable as that is, they need to be in order for us to become aware of where we are operating from a conditioned place.
What Is Conditioning?
For the sake of understanding where I'm going with this, let me give you a little background on what I call the subconscious narrative. A little Coles notes (cliff notes if you're American) version of what it is and how it affects us in our every day life.
When we are born into this world we are designed a certain way but we are highly malleable and susceptible to the people and environment we are raised in. We are sponges and we learn to adapt and survive in this experience called life. Now in the adaptation of wanting to survive in life, we condition ourselves to "fit" in based on what we were taught is the "right" way to be. Since children have no prefrontal cortex or the ability to think for themselves they take on and mimic the behaviors and belief systems of the adults and kids around them and they become that for the most part. Then as adults, they live into those ideations and expectations as if they are that.
One example is understanding what it means to be a good person or a bad person. As a child you would have observed how the adults behaved and how they responded to people who were good or bad and you would have adapted to fit into the category that got you the most attention and belonging. For some kids, being "bad" is the only way to get attention. And on top of that you probably were told what made you a "good" or "bad" person.
So you adhered accordingly. If you want to know how this affected you personally - think about what you learned about being a good or bad person as a kid, how you were treated when you were good or bad, and what you still believe about that as an adult.
You see, the things we experiences as a child, stays with us. It's deeply embedded in our subconscious and we operate from that place more often than not. Think of something that you find deeply moving or profound as an adult - it really sticks with you doesn't it? Now, for a child, it's felt and experienced 10 fold. If you had experiences (that we lovingly refer to as core memories), those experiences set the tone for who you think you are or need to be in order to be loved and accepted. These belief systems are with you for so long that you actually think this is how you are or how you are supposed to be. And so much of the influential adults in your life projected their beliefs onto you as if it also needs to be your truth - sometimes this serves us but even then, we tend to outgrow them.
We were conditioned and continue to condition ourselves accordingly. We treat ourselves according to whether we think we are good or bad. That's really just one example, we apply our belief systems to everything and our belief systems were given to us - they weren't ones we created out of truth - they were created out of a need for safety.
So Why Are We At Odds With Ourselves Now?
We are realizing that all the b.s. rules and restrictions we put on ourselves don't really serve us anymore and in that, as we re-educate our subconsciousness, we live in a state of duality. We are wanting to step into our true, authentic potential but bombarded by all the fear, lack, and scarcity we were conditioned with. So it feels like we are at odds, but truly, we are just reconciling the beliefs and behavioral structures we were conditioned into. Being at odds with yourself, is a good thing. It means you're weeding out the stuff that is keeping you back from truly loving yourself and the life you live.
At the core of our belief systems is the need to be loved and accepted. Just be who everyone told you you are and you'll be loved and accepted. Except, only being loved for who people want you to be is conditional and it's not really truly loving - it doesn't feel good knowing you aren't loved as you are so it's at odds with what we've been taught about love and acceptance.
So many people are starting to wake up to themselves and learn just how much they play into the roles set for them by the people who raised them or were a staple in their lives. When we start to wake up to ourselves, we begin to understand what feels good and what doesn't and anything conditional no longer feels good. It feels familiar, but good? No.
What Does This Have To Do With A Lion In Sheep's Clothing?
The card that inspired this article was about a lion who thought he was a sheep because he was raised by sheep and told by everyone around him that he was a sheep. And it wasn't until an old lion captured him and showed him his reflection in the water that he could see he definitely wasn't a sheep.
But he thought he was because everyone told him he was and so he went about his life being a sheep. But it wasn't in his nature to be a sheep and it was hard for him to be a sheep. He never really quite fit in as a sheep, he had to work really hard to do things the way the other sheep expected, and he didn't know how any different.
All his loved ones and those closest to him only loved and accepted him as a sheep. Could they accept him as a lion amongst them? The story doesn't expand beyond that - but most people are ostracized in some way for being different or not the person they want them to be. Or at the very least, fear being excluded because they are different. For all we know, maybe the sheep really loved this lion in their midst and would have come to terms with the fact that he was not a sheep after all. But the doubt is enough to create an opposition within.
We do the same thing - we make decisions, behave, react and respond based on who were were conditioned to be.
A Little Personal Story
I often find my conditioned self at odds with my little rebellious heart. Sometimes this works for me, sometimes it doesn't. And by that, I mean, sometimes I want to rebel against my conditioning so strongly that I struggle to get things done or make a decision.
I was conditioned to believe that not only am I responsible for how people feel but that I am responsible for making sure everything and everyone was ok. I was conditioned to be a people pleaser because if I didn't do what I was told, or I didn't behave in a way that was expected, I was made to feel shame and guilt or I was cut off from love and ignored.
Now, I can sit here and blame the people who did this to me but they were conditioned too, and there isn't a whole lot of resolution in blame for me. Blame, I feel, requires validation and needing other people to own up to what they "did" as if they had any idea the effect is had on me. And truly, it puts me at a deficit waiting for resolution.
The resolution comes from recognizing where I am still holding myself to these expectations as if it truly denotes whether I'm worthy of love and acceptance or not. I have been blessed with people who genuinely love me no matter what and it helped me wake up to the ways in which I'm still living in that conditioned state.
I am constantly at odds with doing the "right" thing. Terrified that if I make the wrong decision I will have a bad experience. Even something as simple as choosing where to eat out with a friend or family member. Like if I choose the wrong place the person I'm with will be disappointed or even judge me. My subconscious narrative is constantly trying to make sure I do the "right" thing by pointing out all the ways in which things could go wrong or I might be shamed. Trying to keep me safe but really just making it hard to live into life lol
Even when it comes to manifestation - trying to make sure I do everything "right" so I can be worthy of receiving what I'm asking for. You know, if I just control my frequency I can show the Universe (who inadvertently replaced my parents as the authority in my life lol) I am able to receive my abundance. And to that, my little rebellious heart is life "f" that, I'm worthy all the time lol
I am deeply grateful for the tools all my metaphysical discoveries have given me, like my inner authority in my human design. It helps me make decisions and in some ways override what I've been "conditioned" to do. I rely on my emotions and my gut to help me out with these things - and often my rebellious heart - who more often than not is like eff it I'm doing it anyways people can sort themselves out. lol
So How Do You Work With This?
Honestly, I'm still mastering it day by day but I will give you some things that help me when the opposition inside me is a lot. You can try all of these or just the ones that feel good.
notice where you struggle with guilt or worry - there is a good chance you felt pain as a child and are trying to toe the line in order to not feel that again
pay attention to those really strong all or nothing beliefs - sometimes the black and white of things is just the part of you trying to keep you in a box out of fear
observe where your mind goes or what it tries to make something mean - you may be catastrophizing and getting ahead of yourself
breathe - just let yourself breathe things out, sometimes we experience the discomfort of what's coming into our awareness but in reality it's just making it's way out
let go of the things that aren't serving you - no matter how important the beliefs may be to other people - you do not have to hold onto them in order to be loved and happy
accept and acknowledge where you were and where you are - accepting instantly relieves any guilt and acknowledgement allows for reconciliation - learn to love yourself no matter what (even the parts of you or the things you've done that are "bad")
connect with people who can see you and honor you and hold space for you so you can talk things out - a lot of people need to talk things out in order to understand and accept
give yourself permission to do what you need to do for you and love yourself through any discomfort in that
remind yourself that you are worthy of love and acceptance no matter what role you play in other people's lives - you're the star of your own show and the Universe will provide the supporting actors if you're willing to take this leap of faith
I'm sure there are many others and maybe you can come up with ways to accept the duality within you and allow the shift to create new conditions for your life.
If you'd like to understand your subconscious narrative on a deeper level, I'd love to work with you on that. You can book a session with me here.
Lots of love,
Candice
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