
So, this post is a little more personal because it deals with the massive emotional breakthrough I had over the weekend and the nuances of that. I know I'm not the only one who has these moments, and this was by far the worst I've experienced on this journey of awakening. It brought out be abandonment and rejection wounds and the truth that I have absolutely no control over certain things, which in itself is very scary when you've been responsible for your well-being since childhood.
I'll first begin with the fact that I'm an emotional authority (in human design terms) which means I'm chalk full of emotions at all times and that, for the most part, emotional release is a little difficult for me. I'm not ashamed to say it builds up sometimes and I have a big release on occasion. I'm always so envious of those of you who are non-emotional authorities because your ability to cry when you need is a true gift (even if it doesn't always feel that way). Emotional release is such a huge part of moving old stagnant energy out of the body, mind, and field, and it's so important for our well-being.
Now, sometimes, like this weekend, dark intrusive thoughts accompany those built up feelings and it becomes an insufferable place to exist. I want to express that I'm not, nor have I wanted to harm myself but I'd be lying if I said I sometimes felt like I didn't understand the point of being alive if it felt like this. I love life, but in these moments, it's really hard to love life...in fact, it's hard to like life. I felt abandoned, alone, unloved, unsupported, rejected. And I'm going to break down those things because they come from an old belief system around receiving or being a have or have not. And I really set an intention to dissolve all those things that I innocently took on that make me feel like crap about myself, my life, and my choices.
The reason I'm sharing this is that I know there are some of you who experience these things too and I want you to know you're not alone and that there is nothing wrong you with. And for the record I am VERY blessed to have loving, kind people in my life that can be there for me. But even they couldn't help me this weekend. I needed to sit in it and let it pass. Nothing they said could bring me peace because there was nothing to reconcile. The entire emotionally experience was the reconciliation. Don't get me wrong, I wanted them to say the right things and do the right things, but they couldn't. Because there was nothing to be done.
While I was looking at some of my archived posts of my now deactivated Instagram account (which is maybe another story for another time), I saw a post I created back in 2021. In this post, I said, "Trying to find clarity when you're in an emotional state is like trying to drive through a rain storm. Your windshield wipers on full blast might give you a glimpse but will probably just amplify your anxiety. So pull over and let the storm pass." And it dawned on me then, that I had to just surrender to whatever this was as awful as it felt.
I cried so much I gave myself a headache. But I needed to cry. I was releasing so so much.
I speak all the time about letting yourself feel and it's ok to feel how you feel but, honestly, when your thoughts are angry and dark all I could think of was fixing things. It's extremely hard to just let those things come into my peripheral as if they have power. They don't, and they were leaving, but in the thick of things, it sure doesn't feel that way. It feels like this is my life and things are never going to change and I'm going to be stuck where I am.... do any of those seem familiar? I tell you, the release of these ideations and beliefs that we've carried for generations is a huge feat. I won't get into the big picture and how we are helping our ancestral lines and humanity - we are - but because I want to acknowledge what happens on a deeper, individual level, I want to focus on that.
Acknowledgement and acceptance and compassion are the greatest things you can have for yourself. And of course, just allowing things to be as they are. Tell yourself you're taking it one day at a time for now. That seemed to help me shift into acceptance and surrender, quite a bit.
So many of my struggles revolve around my business and my connection to source and the guidance I receive. I brought a lot of belief systems into this situation and even as I type this out I feel a hard pain in the back of my heart chakra - a further release to be sure. I believed that if you're doing the "right" thing for you and following your guidance things would be easier. I witnessed so many people doing the same thing as me and being super successful. But the truth is, I was stuck between what we should do to be successful and what I needed to do to be successful. Even defining what success really means. In the business world success is a sustainable business, mine is definitely not that at the moment and if I'm honest has struggled with that since day one.
I won't get into too much of that and I how I would get sucked into the lower vibrational concepts of marketing and how it affected my delivery because that's old and I'm leaving it behind. I often felt so rejected by people who I aimed to serve and so rejected by the spiritual community (especially those who were the definition of successful) because I went unheard, unseen, and unacknowledged. All of this would compound my beliefs and make me question my path and my guidance...
Which leads me to my turbulent relationship with source and my guidance team. The choke hold the reward system we grew up in had on me is an understatement. Like legit having a meltdown in the why not me, and don't you understand what it's like to be on a human timeline with bills to pay, or how toxic this environment can be, can you throw me a bone?
I replaced my parents with the Universe, and this is something I'm still mastering and trying to reconcile from a place of energetic understanding. Because mentally, cerebrally, I understand that we grew up in such a state of conditional love that everything we do us measured as good or bad, worthy of receiving and reward, or not. But this isn't a mental situation anymore, this is an energetic one, a physical one, an emotional one.
The amount of times I've said to spirit, have I not done all you asked? Why do I continue to go without? But spirit isn't punishing me or withholding - that's the energetic belief system I'm still in and releasing. Every time I have a meltdown, every time I bitch about it, every time I talk it out and reconcile that the conditioning isn't me. I inherited it, and I'm in the process of explaining that I would like to decline the estate. lol
Our entire lives were structured around being rewarded, loved, accepted, only when we did what was right. The good girl syndrome is real in many aspects of our lives, because the bad girls go without and are ostracized. But what if spirit is trying to teach us that we can receive and be worthy of love, no matter what?
At this moment, I'm not really sure where I'm going to go from here, but I do know there has been a shift for me. And to learn to allow how I feel and know it's ok to let it all go. The fixer in me isn't too pleased but maybe it's time she put her energy into service and applied her gifts to solving people's grievances instead of trying to fix herself or her situation.
I'm giving it all up to Source, because honestly this girl isn't willing to sacrifice her well-being in order to have her needs met. That's kind of a contradiction lol But she is willing to open to flow and what feels good and lord knows that's really hard to do in today's energy climate.
I hope this has served you in some way - if you made it this far - thank you!
Lots of love
Candice
What You Need to Know (reading special this week)
Breakthrough With Ease (human design special this week)
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