I know, I know! I'm slackin'!! lol It was a very intense week for me and I decided to give myself a break. We legit all need a break, put a hand up if you're tired! This is different than the energy forecasts. I'm writing this from a place of being on the other side of a deep, intrinsic shift. One I never thought I'd be able to have considering how things have been leading up to today. It's a bit of a long read but I hope it helps to read it.
Today is a day I have been dreading for like a year. It's a day I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle and yet here I am, able to write this with compassion, clarity, and some what calm. I'm not sure if I'm ready to share why this day was a hard day for me exactly because it involves other people and I'm not sure if I'm ready to share this fully story yet. It's the core of my ascension journey and has to do with me being on the Twin Flame journey. Don't let that deter you from reading this, you don't need to be on the journey to understand what I'm about to share. I want to share what I've experienced in the light of maybe this will help someone else going through something similar.
I kept hoping that this day would be called off or cancelled or maybe not happen, and things can still shift even as I write this but I'm not worried about it anymore. The fear, the worry, the mental effery that I had about this nearly did me in. The deep throws of my wounding a consistent reminder of how unfair life can be and how unfair it is that after all these years, I'm here of all places. Alone, walking in a public park needing to sit on a bench by the water so the people going about their day couldn't see the silent tears slipping down my cheeks. Not a soul to hug, me alone, trying to make sense of how I got here, maybe, if I'm honest, even looking for ways to blame myself for it all or looking for ways people would judge me for the choices I've made because this "obviously" didn't return any results worthy of the effort.
I have spent the last 6 years on this journey of love. Self love, romantic love, busting the balls of any ideation of love that kept me separate from love. Like having to be good enough for love and perfect in order to be loved. Most of you that have known me at any time during this journey will be familiar with my stance on the subconscious narrative and childhood wounding lol I want to be clear, I still love my person, I care for him deeply and I still have the desire to protect him and help him, but I have actually let go of the responsibility I felt I had for him. There is something that breaks you when you realize you can't do anything to change the circumstances of something so beyond your control.
I have seen this many times on the journey where one person (usually the DF) will cut off all ties and interest in the other (usually the DM) out of the pain of rejection, abandonment, and/or betrayal. But this to me feels different. This is the evolution of where I feel we are going in our ascension journeys. I'm using my example of being a twin flame to describe this but it is not limited to the twin flame journey and if you can stick with me, I'll get to that but I want to describe how I experienced this first. So, there was always a part of me that felt maybe I was doing things wrong because I never cut myself off from mine, and was that why we were delayed in connecting or whatever. By the way, there is no wrong way to do this journey or any journey and I'll get to that too, in a moment.
And truly I have let go and I have not. They coexist. I know my person and I will connect again. My heart is never wrong. It was an experience that sought me out, it was not fabricated, it came from the inside out. But, I've let go of thinking I'm responsible for the connection manifesting. It's a huge relief not to worry so much. I may or may not have a tendency to worry. This was amplified. And to now feel like it's actually going to be ok, is a HUGE shift.
So, how did I do it and what does this have to do with people on or off the twin flame journey???
First, we need to understand how overleveraged we think we are when it comes to being responsible. It is such a deeply conditioned thing, I bet you don't even realize you're doing it. I see it a lot in the spiritual community - the "experts" and "gurus" are constantly telling us what we have to do or else. If this isn't happening for you, you must be doing something wrong. It's so indoctrinated into our existence that we apply it to everything we deem successful and valuable about ourselves or unsuccessful and unvaluable. As if an outcome could actually determine anything like that, about us as a whole. Were we unsuccessful in reconnecting? Yes. That's a fact. We were deemed unvaluable for it? No. That is also a fact.
So when it came to my connection, my deep conditioned mind was constantly making me so responsible for it's outcome, when I truly have nowhere near the impact I think I do. I do have an impact, I am important, but my importance doesn't come from how responsible I am or how this all turns out. It's interesting how that all ties together though isn't it?
But it's not just about divine connections, it's in everything, like praying the right way, or raising your vibration or getting things just right so you don't experience something painful or feel like you're being punished. God, the feeling of being punished because life is raking you over the coals, is a real, very visceral thing. But, we all have a threshold, and personally, this was mine.
No matter what I did or didn't do, we ended up here. So why am I stressing over things? Honestly, because I didn't want to face how it felt and the fear and the b.s. thoughts that came with all that. There were other things that happened to help me understand what I could work with and what I couldn't but the moment I started to just express and really feel the pain and sadness, is the moment I let go of all the responsibility.
I'm deeply grateful for my friends, you know who you are, because just being able to break down and actually feel the pain, helped me release it. All the shame, all the guilt, all the worry, dissipated when I was in my deepest pain because it's as bad as it could get. It couldn't get any worse feeling wise. So step into the pain, don't avoid it. Because I promise you, your mind will have you fixating on things you can't control until you do or distracting you because you know you can't control but don't know what else to do. You will have this deep pain inside of you needing to be released that is sending your sensories into overdrive and making you think you have to distract or fix. I had no problem expressing how I felt (even though I often tried to manage it with what I know about behaviours and wounding, etc) but I was never really great at letting myself "feel" the feeling.
It broke open for me during one of my Patreon videos, where I realized I was terrified to even talk about this day and broke down into sobs. It's like if I don't talk about it, it won't come true, and I won't feel the deep sadness I have about it. And then proceeded to have a week full of emotional break downs because I realized how good it felt to just acknowledge it. Even though there is this deep seeded fear that I will speak the worst case scenario into existence just because I'm expressing about it and feeling what I feel about it. I am powerful, but I'm not that powerful. And this whole speaking stuff into existence as if that's the intention behind our expressional release (insert eye roll here).
I have a gift that when I'm sad, I then get mad right after and step back into my power. But it wasn't until I was forced to face what I dreaded that I realized how much I was disempowering myself. There are things about this journey that most people won't understand (the deeply linked energy between individuals) but you don't have to be in that kind of connection in order to discern what you need to move through responsibility wise. I didn't learn to be responsible for everything from my person, they just amplified it in a way that it made me aware of it.
Even the loneliness I felt and having to really face that, but finding freedom in acknowledging it.
The next step to this is actually embody radical self acceptance. It's one thing to say it, it's another to be it. Like the amount of times my intuition would go off and my mind would go full tilt into some scenario, instead of judging myself or being mad at myself for not putting into practice what I just learned, I chose to be gentle with myself. Like, whoa, ok, we don't need to go there anymore, remember? We don't need to figure this out, we aren't responsible for finding a solution. I can appreciate that this is important to you but we have no one to relay the information to anyways. Gentle parenting myself for the win.
I am sensitive to so many things and part of my radical acceptance is to recognize that as a part of my m.o. and be gentle with how I respond to my own sensitivity. Candice to save the day. I'll fix it, I'll do what it takes to make things right with people, the good ole fixer in me. That is my conditioned response to when I pick up on things. But in my awareness, I can adjust and honor at the same time. It's going to take me a while to master this but I know I can. I'm just no longer willing to adhere myself to a timeline or outcome, thinking that if I don't have it perfectly figured out that I'm a failure. I'm just not willing to subscribe to that anymore. And I'm not even angry that I was or that my subscription was on auto-renew.
A big part of this shift for everyone is to let the bad thing (feeling, thought, expression) happen and lean into love to experience the rest. How you go about this, how this applies to you and your life will be different but I promise you it's worth it to dig in. To go to that place of vulnerability that exposes all your raw nerves, just so you can soften them with love and acceptance. Even if you can't be open and vulnerable with others, be that way with yourself. Give yourself the permission you've never received outside yourself.
I love you all, sending you so much love,
Candice
Specials This Week:
(Patreons get 15%off)
(click on the link to go to the special - I am once again offering story feed readings on Instagram so I will offer the picture and text in-between readings on there)
Intuitive Recorded Readings: August 2024
Human Design + Astrology Special: Mars in Gemini (scroll to the bottom)
Comments